"The Trouble with Trojans"
for:
Sex in Sin City: Super Sized Edition

          So what evil bastard came up with the great idea to put condoms behind a huge Plexiglas wall? I mean if going to your local Albertsons for latex lubbers wasn't hard enough. They have to be down right mean and not only seal them off from humanity, but attach a gigantic lock to protect their poor little glass slippers. So upon wishing to make a purchase for the overpriced protection, you have to wander the halls in search of a human being that isn't going to look at you like the sleaze balls that hit them up for change on the way to work. Once you've actually located someone nonchalant enough, it's the silent march to where they are stationed that grows rather nerve wracking. Then there is the walking with them and fearing the inevitable small talk looming in their mind. You find yourself praying that the clerk won't decide out of shear loneliness to cleverly mutter, "So... you like sex?"
          This unspoken witch's trial might not be so bad if they didn't have names like Trojan, Kimono, Durex, or Lifestyles, all of which paint a picture of you being this sex crazed beast that should be set aside from the rest of humanity. There should be no huge competition between manufacturers in the rubber market, and there wouldn't be if they would all have names like, "I would prefer not to have a baby at this point in my life." Sure you lose whatever small echelon of sexual inkling that was clinging onto the purchase of your new pack of man-wraps, but since that percentage is generally slim-to-none, I think we would be o.k.
          At least if condoms were more sensibly named, the clerk might not feel the need to jump to conversation in the sexual nature. However, if so inclined, the key guy could talk sadly of the child that he takes care of and how he became the condom cage key wielder. Hearing his tale of woe would applaud your action in birth prevention and simultaneously know how to avoid becoming ensnared within the ranks of the world's grocery stores.
          Well, believe it or not, there are some stores where the condom theft apparently hasn't reached ungodly proportions to the point that they feel the need to place them behind bars. Even in these situations there are still many ways to condemn yourself to being a spectacle. Case-in-point, I as (I usually do) was deciding to make my contraceptive sheath purchase at like 2 in the morning. Well, since I was one of the three people deciding to make purchases this late, they kept a watchful eye on me to see if I were going to start acting like a crack addict.
          I found the condoms in the farthest reaches of the food mart and decided to hide them behind my back and make my way to the cashier as to avoid any embarrassment. By the time I arrived up front, I noticed that she had her boss next to her and they both looked rather nervous as I made my way through the two person line. Apparently, my decision to conceal my purchase made them believe I was brandishing a weapon. Once I realized what was happening I quickly set my purchase onto the counter top. I heard a sigh of relief, watched a smile slide across the cashier's face, and the manager decided to wander back into his office and resume staring at the wall. This went from subtly being awkward to magnified on an insane level. At least they were very relieved that I was only a sexual deviant and not robbing them of their riches.
          Hopefully it will get better in the future, were we won't have to deal with the likes of sad employees, judging looks, high prices, and awkward silence. In the world I see you're having safe sex in the damp canyon forest around the ruins of Rockefeller center. You'll wear sleek comfortable leather condoms that will last you the rest of your life. You'll walk through illuminated halls and know that no one will judge you for the things you traded on that day. When you look down the hall you'll see tiny figures making birth control pills, and laying strips of sex toys in the empty cash-only lane of some abandoned adult supermarket.