Nick Turner: Man of Tomorrow!

Listen:
Nick Turner has come unstuck in time.
          That's right, I, the writer of some of your most favorite features articles has been to the future and since I am not the proud owner of a flux capacitor-ed Delorian nor do I hang out with a talking white biped dog that wears glasses this is the only conclusion I can gather. While most people during the previous weekend were partying, working, or both I found myself in the future, May 25th 2008 to be exact at the new World's Fair apparently being held in Las Vegas where the MGM Grand Theme Park used to be located. At this amazing place and during my subsequent travels, I have seen some of the coming advances in the world and I have decided to share with you, the fools of the past, the WONDERS OF THE FUTURE!
          First off, before I mention some of the neat items which I perused during my attendance of the show, I noticed that the Las Vegas landscape had undergone some significant improvements. All smoke and smog had disappeared over the strip and traffic through Las Vegas Blvd. became a breeze due to the wonders of the Las Vegas Monorail that now spanned in a circle around the entire Strip and Downtown. In addition to our monorail, Clark County also funded the construction of a gigantic escalator in the center of town that went to nowhere, a 50 foot magnifying glass, and a skyscraper made entirely of popsicle-sticks all of which sure put Las Vegas on the map.
          Another thing I had never thought I would ever see were the two new parking garages constructed on UNLV property to relieve the ongoing parking troubles of its students. One was located near the residence halls in the Thomas and Mack parking lot and the second was behind the Lied Library. Apparently the university powers that be were keeping all the money "donated" from students in some weird bank named Më-gha Bjucks and waiting until they could withdraw their deposit in order to build these structures. The bank apparently has this crazy interest rate which makes it a generally worthwhile and lucrative endeavor but the downside is that withdrawals occur on a completely random basis.
          Now some of the aforementioned inventive products that I viewed at the Fair were coincidentally enough things which I have previously foreseen in earlier articles. To protect people from the advertisers that employ tackling and force to get you to hear about or try their product/service is a personal force field that is controlled via a comfortable and stylish metallic vest worn under all clothing. Next were the personal protection devices created by the ever growing religion of Jedi called Light Swords® the only catch to acquiring one of these devices is that you have to join their ranks and subsequently be infected with a great amount of invisible parasitic bacteria referred to as "midichlorians." Lastly is a thin super-sensitive spermicidally lubricated leather condom designed to be washed and reused for a human beings entire lifespan.
          The show unfortunately could only hold my interest so much with its boring robot maids, flamboyant flying saucer engines, and completely lame automatic kitchens because amazingly enough in about a little over 5 years North America undergoes significant shifts in structure. Major changes coming to our backyard are vast and many following the outset of the third World War. Las Vegas has actually become the capital of a new nation called Stark. See, on the outset of the war the United States of America has been Balkanized, has been divided into twenty petty nations so that it will never again be a threat to world peace. Reno has been hydrogen-bombed by angry Chinamen. So it goes. Out of the rubble though North America has become a technological wonderland due to the construction of the super computer EPICAC XIV a war born super computer that centrally plans all production of goods as well as social organization.
          Now I know all of this sounds shocking and I am well aware that after hearing what you already have you are starting to highly doubt the validity of everything that I have just claimed. However I urge you to heed my warning, prepare, and embrace for this inevitable future. I am definitely one to trust for not only have I have actually been there I have also relatively confirmed my sources with a high number of certified websites. Don't listen to my so-called friends that will explain that what really occurred over this previous weekend was that I got horribly drunk and went to a warehouse filled with pinball machines. That I talked to the man who owned the warehouse's wife and amidst yelling at dogs to not consume from the bowl of cheese cubes; she gave me a brief history of how the place came into existence. An evening where there was much discussion about who will give Joe the repeatedly referenced "mildly retarded" guy a ride home. That this is where I learned that Eagle Scouts with Fire Marshals for parents cannot be trusted because they will try and shut you down. However I find all of this highly illogical and sardonically strange. I would much rather go on with the grim and yet pleasant knowledge that I have seen, walked, and loved IN THE FUTURE!